I’ve dedicated all too much time lately to thinking (long and hard…ahem) about that defining male organ. I recently finished reading a book entitled A Mind of Its Own: a Cultural History of the Penis This book, which I purchased as a lark when it was discovered by my mother at a Goodwill, actually turned out to be a surprisingly compelling discussion of gender, sexuality, race, and religion. I highly recommend it for those of you who are, ya know, into that sort of thing.
Anyway, back to Jesus.
In the 16th and 17th centuries, the penis acquired a particularly charming nickname in the Western world: the demon rod. This euphemism reflected the prevailing religious attitudes of the times. Apparently after Eve shared that fateful afternoon snack with Adam, he immediately sprouted something of a chubby where before his body had been unembellished. When he looked down at his newly formed nub, he felt embarrassed, having not attended any personal development classes to inform him that this was all perfectly natural. All men since the first semi-hard-on have been similarly burdened... with one notable exception: Jesus.
Because his mama was no slut, the little guy grew up free of that most painful brand of “your mom” jokes, and his prick reflected this point of pride. In the religious art of this period, the cock of Jesus shines with a godly force. He is often depicted surrounded by an adoring entourage who can be seen pointing to his thingy as if to say “now that’s a dick done right!” Even in scenes where Jesus obviously ain’t feeling too hot, what with the crucifixion thing and all, he is often depicted sporting an enviable bulge.
In this (circa 1511)drawing by Hans Baldung Grien,Christ's Granny plays with his wiener, fondling him under the loving gaze of his mother.
I mean, the guy's got nothing to hide.
As for those of you out there who are not so divinely endowed? I say (and I’m quite the theologian) don’t sweat it pal, so long as,in the words of Sue Johanson, “if you're gonna get funky, cover your monkey!”