Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I want to get high and listen to music with you

My mother gave me a large plastic unicorn head decoration for Christmas. Apparently it was part of a gas station advertisement for some car-related lubricant or other (which explains the adorably phallic horn). I don’t really know how she acquired it, but if anyone knows how to engage in good ol’ fashioned bartering (I’ll trade you a bushel or corn for that there trinket), it’s my mom.

Anyway, lately I’ve been experiencing mild but pleasant hallucinations when I wake up in the morning. I’m pretty sure that these are a consequence of the (totally legal, baby) drugs I’ve been taking. The hallucinations only last for three or four minutes, but the unicorn head has quickly become the leading character in this realm of visual titillation. Mainly it just sort of coyly pulsates, grinning and looking particularly decapitated, but friendly nonetheless. Thanks mom!

Finally, a medication with intriguingly positive side effects! Normally, I get saddled with a “nausea and vomiting,” or “frequent urination,” kinda deal. These are typically things I feel much less compelled to expound upon in a public medium.

On another note, some time ago I had the flu and cigarettes made me nauseous. This gave me the smug and ultimately faulty impression that I had simply lost the taste for them, but after the nausea subsided I was jonesing like a proper junkie. So after a failed stint at quitting cold-turkey, I am now learning how to roll my own cigarettes and feeling unduly righteous about it.

And for those of you looking for new activities to liven up your day…

Group rope jumping!

This new trend is taking Russian cities by storm. The idea is to first assemble a group of merry risk-takers, find a bridge over a sufficiently iced body of water, and when a train begins to chug along over the bridge and the conductor, upon seeing a massive group of people caught on the tracks, frantically attempts to slow those many tons of moving steel, wait until the last possible moment before jumping off the bridge in unison.

Uh-oh, it's the fuzz!

No comments:

Post a Comment